soon

So Kiaya... my awesome roomate, wants me to update my blog....

I will when I get back from europe... I will be leaving in 10 days!!! 

I know what I want, what I really really want...

Lately it has been asked of me what I want. What I want out of life. 

So I figured it out;

I want to accomplish something.

I want to be irreplaceable

I want to go to europe, not just for school I want to go!

I want to take the white roads with red road intensity 

I want to hit the ground running

I want to never let routine be routine

I want to be the soccer mom

I want to be so cool to my 8 year old

I want to be so lame to my 15 year old

I want to be so right to my 25 year old

I want to live to see my great grand kids in high school

I want to have a full church when I die

I want to make a change in someone's life

I want to be a recruiter for God

I want to give to my country

I want to be needed

I want to need

I want to hurt

I want to love

I want to cry

I want to laugh

I want to be running so hard that age 50 is noticed only by the over the hill theme at the office

I want to make people happy

I want to fly. Stunts

I want to be somebody, if only to my child

I want to be 80 and turn to the one at my side and say "race ya"

I want to be 93, die and say to saint peter; "that was fun, lets do it again!"

I want my prayer life to be intense

I want to wake up kicking and screaming

I want to know if my hearts still beating

I want to run "hot"

I want to find the joy in everything

I want to be so into everything that I do that I fall in to bed everynight exhausted but pleased

I want to start life RIGHT NOW.

but most of all

I want what God wants for me.

If God says slow down and stop, thats what I want.

it all starts with a step and a prayer, 

Dear Lord if you want me to hit the ground running, just say the word and I'm off. I"m here at the gate Lord just open it up for me k? 

I'm all Yours, now and forever.

Amen

New Realities

Your whole life you go seeing one thing and thinking thats how life is, how people act the way their families are. They may not be what you see on tv but you start to believe that what you have is mostly normal and you tend to look at any anomaly as something disgusting, that is unless the anomaly seems better than yours. Who is to say yours is better? Who's to say theirs is better. God put you where you are because that's where you need to be. He puts others where they need to be. I mean thats obvious. I guess the reason I brought this up is that a lot of stuff has been brought to my mind about how much Love matters. How much people love. 

Screaming at the top of our lungs
What we say falls on deaf ears.
Love is found places where hope never fears
To prideful to finish what we have begun
Yelling through the tears.

Your heart cries out but mine is not there
Your love for me is something you want to bare
Over and over you tell me what you feel
But I say it cannot be real

Could love endure all things?
Is that what makes the birds sing?
Quiet questions run wide
Run to His open arms and hide

Frustrations loom
Anger fills the room
Distrust is full of shame
Why have I caused you all this pain?

Would not it be a joyous day
When hearts could open up and say
These things that we do not feel or see?
For no love will come eventually

I feel like such a dope
For crushing all your hope
Guilt shreds from the inside
Why cant you see my side?

I understand your agony you see?
It really is quite plain to me
Its not a pleasant place to be
Peace you soon shall see

The times we had were real fun
Some of them were number one
With cookies and lots of puns
So long and thanks for all the fish.

Hearts poured out

This blog seems to be the place to dump my scrambled brain as of late... I suppose its good to dump it someplace before it escapes someplace...

Walking to school this morning I noticed a brown patch in the grass in the shape of a heart... kinda funny... "I'm gonna kill the grass in the shape of a heart" ironic.

As a youth I learned to become cold hearted and insensitive. Not unhappy or unpleasant, just cold. I was afraid that my affections would become misconstrued as a preference for that person, especially if that person was of the same gender. Toward the middle of Junior High I met an amazing friend that taught me to love without caring. To clarify that statement; to love people for who they are as friends and family without caring what others thought. This was very good.

After a while I became open and sharing and even a happier person. At the same time though I was learning discipline and leadership though CAP so I ended up having two lives... In one I could love an hug and laugh an play, and in the other I was stern and cold, no one knew my first name and I was quiet. These two worlds collided every Monday night I would spend half the night at my CAP meeting, and then I would hop in the car an run to Church for Confirmation class; on the way there I would be changing in the car, cause the two worlds couldn't intermingle.
Then the first few years of College...er um highschool I was really shy, but at the encouragement friendship of my good friend I continued to learn to relax about people... slowly as I gained rank in CAP the amount of coldness could slack (this is contrary to popular belief, I found my command was better when I got to know my cadets over staying completely away from them). Finding that people liked me I was armed and dangerous and went to my first wing activity...

ohhhh my! This is where I learned the advantages of flirting... but later on it got me into trouble; I attracted a couple of sketch characters. So I put my foot down and said no more... "I'm tired of this stuff"... The week I decided to put that into action I met the guy I thought was to be the man of my dreams.

A month and a half later we had professed our undying love for each other, and with big plans for the future, I lead myself down a path of errors. My heart was flayed wide open and gushing joy and love in every direction I put all of myself into him... I lost myself I lost myself I lost myself. I tried to give all of myself to this person. I found that when I gave myself to him... I forgot to give myself to HIM.

When I noticed this error I tried to integrate the two I found that it wouldn't work because he was used to receiving all the attention I was feebly attempting to give Him. Lost on what to do I found my way through reconciliation and mass. Prayer and friendship. One friend and I grew particularly close and he to helped me though the whole ordeal. Helped me to slowly sew my heart back up, while still leaving room for Christ.

This was new experience... As I put myself back together I found solace in the Arms of Christ, but still needing the personal attention, I wanted this friend as my own. After much discussion we found it would not work. We were good friends but there were way too many differences.

As third quarter came into view I found that I may not be able to stay here among my friends, something that crushed my tattered heart as I turned my troubles over to my friends and a few of them really shined through. I could not have pulled though this without them. The held my hands and gave me hugs... and chocolate... It really seemed as though the ones who should care for me didn't and those how don't have a reason to care, did.  I thank God for all the blessings that I have as friends.

This is so lame

I know that only like three people read this, and there is really no point in putting this up, because you who will read this will only feel that I am aiming it at you, which is not true. Only those who aren't reading it, should. and I really need to read "confessions" but still, I must write... Which if you know me, which those of you that read this do, is an oddity.

I only blog when I cannot get something off my mind; when it frustrates me beyond any verbiage.

I CANNOT emphasize more the importance of truth to me. If you cannot tell me what you think, what is on your heart, do not expect me to pick up on hints. I don't understand why people must patter around their feelings with words. EMBRACE them. To truly live life to its fullest you must be uncomfortable... life doesn't happen in the arm chair of your brain. It is not a spectator sport. IF you want to do something --and there is nothing morally wrong with it-- DO IT. Follow your heart. I will not say it will be easy. Oh heals no. It will be the hardest moments of your life, but they will be the most satisfying. The moments when you will feel most alive. Quit lying to other people, if you feel they are jerks walk up to them and tell them. I am guilty of not allowing this to happen, and it has hurt so many people. Quit lying to yourself!! You know your heart better than anyone else. Don't let them tell you what to do... (oooh i see a little Descartes here) screw that! Don't even let this stupid blog tell you what to do. If this message calls to you then Hooah! If not then I'm sorry for wasting your time. Take control of your life! Its not about what others think or think you think or think of what you think. Its about what you DO. ACTION people ACTION.
God does not call us to think about loving Him, or to worry that someone might get hurt because we love Him. God calls us to ACTION. To get off our sorry butts, and do His WILL! The Saints are Saints because they did. They took action in their faith. They loved, they cried, they felt passion like no other. It is our time. No. It is my time to take action, to quit this Stupid stupid talking, and to do. I'm SO freaking tired of talking.......

luv shmuv

Really now? I mean common!

I've been working on this post for weeks now and I think I finally have something meaningful to write.

So I watched enchanted the movie a couple of weeks ago, and just like any fairy tale they put HUGE emphasis on "True love's first kiss... Its the most powerful thing" There is so much more to this than that. True loves first kiss is the most powerful thing. Love is brought with butterflies and tingles, everything becomes beautiful... Love is beautiful. There are those who sit back and say that love is something a lot deeper than the tingles and smiles, and yes that is true to, but love requires both the head and the heart to be aligned. Your mind loves your heart and your heart must love that person. Love is more than butterflies and tingles... love is a decision. Yet love can find you and sweep you off your feet. Sometimes you just want to go with the tide. The main idea though is to not get carried away with the currant.

But I digress... Why is so much emphasis put on something seemingly as simple as the kiss? I mean some cultures offer kisses as greetings or simple embraces... So honestly whats the big deal? The kiss, its a seal, a handshake, a promise, Jesus was betrayed with "the kiss" "you may now kiss the bride" the "kiss of peace" Hershey's "kisses" This kiss is so much, yet so little... When you kiss someone, you truly show your affection, yet our society has told us to kiss without meaning, to love without feeling. Where did the meaning go? What have we done to ourselves?

I guess though this is a subject that has been beaten to a pulp.

It just tires me so much... the human mating ritual... so important yet so trivial everyone is at some point in the journey either still in the process of searching or settled in with their's for life. For some they just enjoy the process, for others they are in a hurry to get to the goal others still are avoiding the process. For me though I want to just get to the settled in part. To be settled in with someone and know where life leads... maybe thats it, just knowing that tomorrow I will be where I need to be, that there will be someone there for me.

Well for now I need to hold my horses because I know I am exactly where I need to be and I have more than enough amazing friends to support me and lead me closer to God... For now I have the task laid out before me and I know how to get to the goal, for life is not a means to an end, but a process leading to goal.

Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it onto future generations.
-George Bernard Shaw